When Fear is Behind the Wheel

Let’s talk about fear. Not the kind you feel watching a scary movie but the kind that’s holding you back. Did you know that fear can be debilitating? Did you know that once fear takes the wheel, every decision you make is based in fear? 

Fear creates blocks so happiness becomes impossible to achieve. The worst part about fear is that it feeds other negative emotions like jealousy, resentment and scarcity. Fear is when someone in your work circle or personal life is doing great and you just can’t bring yourself to be fully happy for them because somehow you’ve convinced yourself that their success is taking something away from you. And so you stew in resentment and jealousy instead of cheering for them. Instead of pursuing your own goals, you allow fear to keep you standing still when somewhere deep in your soul you crave more for your life and dream of something bigger and better. 

Fear happens to everyone and I’m no exception. At some point in the last several years, I got the idea to write a book about my personal growth and the many pivotal moments that contributed to my spiritual reawakening. I wanted to share my life lessons, raw and vulnerable, with the intention of inspiring others to seek their own reawakening. I know first hand the life changing impact being ‘awake’ continues to have on my life and I wanted others to experience it too.

But I didn’t write that book. Fear of judgment, ridicule and self-doubt set in and I chose to ignore the calling. I wrote other books instead. I focused my intention on getting an old manuscript finished and four years later, A Leap In Time was published. I infused many elements of my beliefs about living with intention and tapping into a higher purpose into the storyline but that was as far as I went. It was easier to write a fiction about made up characters than to share personal experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of writing A Leap In Time and prouder still of writing A Christmas Wish which released this past December. Both books were a labor of love and determination and I don’t regret writing either book. I was meant to write both books and I don’t doubt that for a second. 

I just wish I was brave enough to also write my story. 

I allowed my fear to take the wheel instead of giving it a backseat. The worse part was I didn’t realize fear played any role in any part of my life. I convinced myself non-fiction wasn’t the right genre for me and moved on without a second thought.

How many of you can relate to this? How many of you have talked yourself out of doing something you want to do because judgment by others outweighed courage? 

Believe me, I know. It’s hard to have thick skin when the criticism feels so personal. It’s hard to chase a dream that no one but you believes in. It’s hard to see the big picture when you’re bogged down with self-doubt and daily reminders of why it wouldn’t work. 

What’s worse, fear plays a role in the day-to-day decisions we take for granted. Like the decision to stand up for yourself at work, the decision to fight for that raise or promotion, the decision to ask for help. The list goes on and on. 

The next time you’re standing still and you’re unhappy about it, unpack the layers that led you to silence your inner voice. You’ll find fear to be at the root of it. But don’t stop there, go deeper and find out the cause of your fear and why it succeeded in derailing you. Who’s voice are you hearing when you think about your life and what is the voice saying?

It took me a minute to realize where and how fear played a role in my life. Until that point, I didn’t realize the impact negative childhood experiences had on me as an adult. You see, as a kid, we moved a lot. My Dad who’s retired now was a scientist and because of his job, he had the privilege of going on sabbatical to other countries and states. For a couple of years, my brothers and I were always the new kids at school. We were always trying to fit in. And for many years, I didn’t succeed at fitting in. The cultural differences were huge. We moved from Lod, Israel to Reading, England when I was in six grade and although I spoke English because it was a required subject in school, I didn’t speak it or read it fluently so I had a language barrier to overcome and a cultural one. I didn’t always understand what the teachers were explaining and I most certainly didn’t understand the jokes or pop cultural references my classmates referenced. I was fully on the outside and that sucked. 

Halfway through the year just when I began to experience a glimmer of belonging, we moved to Gainesville, Florida. The culture shock was jarring. In Israel and England, we wore school uniforms and academics and discipline were prioritized. In Gainesville, the school was K-12 and the kids wore tube tops, cut off jeans, they cussed and the older kids openly made out everywhere. Remember I was a six grader coming from a strict and tightly managed school systems. I was completely out of my element. To top it off, a couple of girls in my class gave me a note that said, “they didn’t like me, I was weird, my clothes were ugly and I smelled”. Imagine being the new kid in school and you find this note on your desk and the mean girls that wrote it are watching for your reaction as you read it. 

The memory is still vivid in my mind and I remember feeling so hurt and being too shocked to cry. No one had ever been this mean to me before. Needless to say, I was thrilled when at the end of summer my parents decided to move to southern California so my Dad could work on a project at the University of California in Riverside. Once again, I was the new kid and now I also had baggage I didn’t realize I was carrying. For the majority of middle school and early years of high school, I felt like an outsider looking in. I didn’t have the trendy clothes everyone else was wearing or the right hairstyle and I still struggled to learn all the pop culture references. A few mean girls in Middle School openly laughed at my clothes and hair and the way I talked. 

My awkwardness and insecurities multiplied. 

Feeling left out created a strange need for approval from everyone around me, including people I didn’t even like. Yet their opinion affected me. Strangely enough, once I graduated college and started working, I buried this feeling and I didn’t give it much thought. 

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized how this unhealed part of my childhood had played a major role in my adulthood. The fear of being judged, teased and excluded stemmed from my childhood experience of being judged, teased and excluded. The little girl in me was still seeking approval and acceptance. And because of that fear, I didn’t dare venture into brave territory because that always guaranteed judgment. Do you see how fear works?  

Holding up a mirror to my own life wasn’t easy. Acknowledging fear and then going deeper to figure out where it stemmed from wasn’t easy. Even writing this blog wasn’t easy because it brought up memories that I don’t like remembering. The path to healing isn’t easy but all of it is necessary. Healing begins with revisiting memories buried in the past because they’re too painful to bring out from the shadows into the present. 

I knew I healed that part of my childhood because the experience no longer has a hold on me emotionally. When I reflect back on that time of my childhood, I don’t feel anger or hurt or even pain. I don’t like remembering it but I’m not affected by it because I’m constantly reminding myself that my past doesn’t determine my future. In the mornings when I’m meditating, I’m filled with gratitude for every experience because it’s made me who I am today. 

Deal with what’s holding you back and heal the wounds with love and compassion. Then move on. Don’t stay stuck in the past reliving the painful memories that don’t serve you. The future isn’t dictated by your past. The future is unwritten and you get to co-write it in collaboration with a higher power. And to me, that’s worth overcoming all the hurdles.